Fear of Falling
I might have stayed in a state of fear if I hadn't known better. Or buried the "horrible" dream in my psyche forgetting I even dreamt it. But because I have spent years re-entering and working with my dreams, I did know better. Thank goodness!!!
My dream this morning, only a couple of hours ago as I write this, was that I was falling off the top of a very, very, very, tall building. In mid-air, as I had so much time to contemplate the outcomes, I saw several scenarios of the landing played out by miniature versions of a man who was not me. Finally, I realized there was nothing that would spare my life and as the perspective returned to first person, I felt the powerful wind in my hair as I watched the speeding ground quickly approach below me.
At the very... last... second... I woke up.
So often the impulse is to flee from or forget our most terrifying dreams. But what happens when we learn to slow down, to listen to the wisdom in our body?
When I woke up and contemplated this question, I had to wonder, was it fear that I felt or was it exhilaration? What if I let that part of me die? What if I let it fly?
When we have terrifying dreams, we almost always want to get away. We call them nightmares and assume they are "bad" dreams that we would rather forget than go back into.
And often in our waking lives, we avoid the scariest places as well. We don't turn towards the things that frighten us the most, we don't share our deepest truth, we don't risk taking the biggest leaps because we are afraid of... falling.
So when I woke up and sat with my dream, I knew instantly that it wasn't bad. I knew that it was a good dream and I was so grateful that I had it. Because something that had been clinging in me, finally. Let. Go.
Some part of me that had illusions of control, released its grip and was finally feeling the wind in its hair. Those last seconds of falling were not awful at all. I might not have known that if I didn't put myself back there. But because I did, I was able to receive this monumental gift...
I have a very acute fear of heights and falling has never been my forte but I have embraced living a life of fear because I won't let it hold me back.
With every definitive step I take towards my Big Dreams, the fear does not lessen, it does not go away. I just get more used to being with it.
So I know deep down inside my heart, below the fear and anxiety, that I must grow accustomed to the feeling of falling. Which is why I want to. I want to fall. I want to leap. I want to live in a little bit of terror all the time. Just enough to know for sure without a doubt that I am growing.
It is my job then, to make my edges my most familiar terrain. I have to claim them. I have to learn over and over again, how to dance with my fear like a dervish in ecstasy. I have to learn how to let go!
Because I know this is not something you learn once. It is a new lesson each time. It is a new kind of uncomfortable every day.
Mastery is not about overcoming the fear. It is about growing ones capacity to be cozy with it. To turn towards it. To stay anyway, even if the fall is imminent. To let old parts of ourselves die is what transformation requires of us.
Every time I touch the hope that rides in my heart like a roller coaster on fire, I ascend ever higher on the mountain peak that looms and beckons me. It is treacherous! It is terrifying!
But I would rather live in fear of going forward, than regret, looking back at what I didn't do.
I used to tirelessly ask over and over again, "who am I to dare to climb such great heights? Who am I but some miniature speck falling through space?"
But isn't that what all stars are?
Aren't we all just here to shine for some indeterminate amount of time?
And when we push past the limits of what is familiar to us by our egoic mind that likes to think it knows a thing or two about a thing or two, then we indelibly enter the terrain of the unknown- into the wilds of unlimited possibilities. We die to our old constructs and paradigms, we fall off the structures we built as though they will outlast everything. Even though they will not.
And neither will we.
So, what happens when we let go of needing to know the outcomes will be safe or calculatedly worth the risk?
What happens when we move towards our greatest fears instead of running the other way?
What happens when we surrender to the feeling of falling, falling, falling.
What I discovered this morning after re-entering my dream was not at all what I expected.
I learned that with every death, SOMETHING NEW IS BORN.
Most importantly I remembered in those last split seconds of falling that actually dammit, I want to be JUST LIKE THE STARS. Cuz why wouldn't we?
Don't we want our light to outlast our body? To reach beyond time and space, and light up the sky for some hopeful gazer...
And if we must fall then let us fall like a star as well. Let our light blaze out in glory and be something to give power to another's wishes.
Wouldnt that be enough?
Even if the journey didn't turn out the way we want it to.
For better or worse. Or surprisingly different...
What else is there but wishes, and glimpses, and terror, and opportunities to let go.
Life is a ridiculous journey and I know I tend to take it too seriously at times. I can hold on for dear life and get all bent out of shape about it. So when I travel back into my dreams only to learn how to let myself go so fully and so completely... that is how I know I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing to fulfill my soul.
And that my friend, is the key. Not survival. Not even ease.
Go in the direction of your most terrifying dreams. Don't expect it to be a walk in the park, let it be the hero's journey. Be willing to let your ego die a little every day. Be willing to let your heart shine and expire and burst into something else entirely. Be willing to embrace your tenuous nature. Be willing to fail. Let go. Let God. Go with grace. Fall on your face. Then wake up and do it over again.
is the Co-creator alongside Kelly Watkins, of the Elevation Hive School of Energy Medicine. They have over 20 years of combined experience holding impeccable space for thousands of individuals to find healing, inspiration, and powerful transformation.
Amanda is an artist, teacher and polarity practitioner with a successful private healing practice in Olympia, WA. She is a mother of two, a polarity life coach, hypnotherapist and Conscious DreamWork teacher who is devoted to sharing her gifts with as many wise souls as possible.
Check out her upcoming classes and events at Elevationhive.com